DEAR ABBY: My husband of 31 years died suddenly five years ago. Our family -- four kids, six grandkids -- was devastated. We still haven't recovered. We used to be a happy bunch, spending time at the lake, backyard barbecues by the pool and football games. My husband was an integral part of this. With him gone, we now get together only on major holidays. The siblings no longer call each other or me, or spend time together. My oldest son quit communicating with us altogether because I recently remarried, and he doesn't care for my husband.

I'm retired now, and I always thought my retirement would be spent enjoying good times with my kids and grandkids, but that seems to be a fantasy at this point. I honestly think they wish I had been the one to die, and it breaks my heart. How can I bring us back together, or is the loss of my family as I knew it something else I must mourn? -- GRIEVING IN MISSOURI

DEAR GRIEVING: Of course things changed with the death of your husband, their father. He may have been the core of those barbecues by the pool, the visits to the lake and the football games. That does not mean that you, the kids and grandkids cannot have enjoyable times together now and in the future, but you all will have to accept that they are different.

I am sorry that your oldest son has chosen to turn his back on you because he can't accept your new husband. You did nothing wrong by going on with your life. If your son can't accept that, then you must accept that this was his choice.

If you haven't already done it, start issuing invitations to your children and grandchildren to come and enjoy life with you. It won't be the same, but it could be enriching to all of you. And if that doesn't work out, please enlarge your circle of friends. Warm friendships can fill a lot of empty space, as I know from my own life.

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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I recently moved in together, which is great, but he can't seem to hold a job. I'm working two jobs right now to make up for rent. I also attend school. I don't know how to tell him I don't want to be with someone I have to provide for. I do want to be with him as he's the first guy I've actually ever liked.

Is it wrong of me to stay with him even though he doesn't bring enough to the table? He doesn't go to school or anything. His birthday is coming up, and I'm not sure if I should get him anything since we didn't do anything on my birthday and I spent the majority of the day alone. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: What you should give this guy are his walking papers. You should NOT be working two jobs in order to feed him and pay the rent because he's jobless, unmotivated and absent. You may like him, but if you continue with your studies and earn your degree, your chances of meeting someone who will be an equal partner will be better than wasting your time with a deadbeat. ** ** **

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.