DEAR ABBY: I met "Maureen" 25 years ago, and we dated for a few months. Since then, we have remained friends in loose contact, married to and then divorced from other partners. Four years ago, we began talking and socializing more often.
I have made it clear that I'm not interested in a dating or romantic relationship. In fact, I stopped dating nine years ago. I have never been able to make a romantic relationship work successfully. We live in different states but talk and text daily. We also vacation together, and I consider her to be a best friend.
Over the past year, Maureen has been giving off subtle (and not-so-subtle) hints that she sees more than friendship in our relationship. I have downplayed her intimations and then reinforced the friendship boundaries, which seems to work in the moment. However, not long ago, she mentioned in passing that her adult son asked her whether we are secretly married. This suggests to me that either she isn't clear with others about the nature of our friendship or she communicates hope for something more when she speaks with other people.
The problem is, I don't want to lose my friend by being too direct about my observations and our boundaries, and I don't want my silence to create a false hope that we will become a couple. Also, if my take on things is accurate, she may be missing chances to date other men with whom she has a chance to build a romantic relationship. What to do? -- HAPPILY IN FRIEND ZONE
DEAR FRIEND ZONE: I can see why this situation is making you uncomfortable. What to do is revisit the conversation in which Maureen told you her son said he thought you two were secretly married and ask how he got that erroneous impression. Then tell her that if she has been implying to others that your relationship is more than a dear and treasured FRIENDSHIP, she needs to stop because it will prevent her from meeting eligible men with whom she could build a romantic relationship. It's the truth, and she may need to hear it.
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DEAR ABBY: I have witnessed many events at funerals that shouldn't happen but seem to continue to happen. An example is a woman who has had a child with a married man showing up at the man's funeral, acting as if they're part of the family.
The woman usually shows up with a grown child, using the excuse that she's there for her child. If the child is a minor, I think they should sit quietly at a discreet distance from her lover's family, and if the child is an adult, she should stay away entirely.
The widow has had to tolerate enough of this woman and her husband's affair and should be allowed to bury him in peace. As the "other woman," she has done enough damage. If there are legal matters to settle, it should be done in private. Why does the mistress get to do wrong and flaunt it? -- JUST A FRIEND OF THE WIFE
DEAR JUST A FRIEND: Whether you like it or not, the mistress and the deceased's family are linked because of the child. Whether a minor or an adult, that child has lost a parent and has a right to mourn and needs the mother to be there. The wronged wife can acknowledge or ignore the presence of the other woman, who may be mourning the death of the man as much or more than his wife is. The word from here is, in an uncomfortable situation like the one you have described, avoid creating a scene.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
